The Power of Pixels.

The last few months have been hell for me. Struck down by a debilitating event that left me helpless physically and drained mentally. Totally shattered.

This wasn't the first time my body slapped me hard like this. A series of heart attacks, major nerve damage and my original stroke had already taken their toll. Each time I was knocked down, though, I instantly fought to get back up. This time I just stayed down. After awhile something just snaps. What's the point becomes your mantra. Rather than struggling upwards you begin to crave further depths and even thoughts of nonexistence nag at you.

This is very hard to admit. Pangs of guilt and selfishness at loved ones bereaved keep such thoughts as just that merely thoughts. During hot tear moments, however, internal shouts of coward and burden can almost turn such thoughts into action. Almost. Fortunately I have external shields.

My wife and children are amazing. Stepping up, going without, and being the strength I lack on so many occasions. Literally keeping me alive. Unconditional love made flesh. It therefore makes me feel pretty shitty to say that this can be a double edged sword. Remember the shouts of burden above? They get so much louder as you see loved ones sacrifice so much. A whole mess of emotions kick in which even now remain tangled. So I kept looking down. Ashamed but still ever down. Up stepped the pixels.

For various reasons I have no "real life" friends close by. I use the quotes because part of me finds that term and it's connotations that an opposite and perhaps lesser type of friend exists offensive. The people I grew up with, met on my travels and worked with are now seen through the lens of my computer screen. Along with them are a large group I haven't (in the main) physically met. The majority of these have entered my life because of a shared love for the MMO World of Warcraft. (For those of you accidently here you now know why this blog is called Ten Gnomes and not Fat Bloke Whining). These pixels helped save my life.

Early on following my collapse it became clear that in amongst all the medical mess financial mess stalked. Despite the wonders of our health service effective recovery was going to cost more than we could afford. I asked for help and it came. In cash donations and the spreading of my need it came. The financial goal was quickly reached a true crisis was averted. I still looked down.

I suspect that some of you reading this are toying with the words "selfish prick" right about now. All these people step up show me love and concern and I can't make the effort to get of the mat? Couldn't agree more. The real sense of elation was once again tainted by feelings of failure and being a burden.

In countless online interactions I was told how silly such thoughts were. The love shown came with no cost. To think otherwise was just silly. Despite a small part of me knowing this to be true...down.

So recovery begins but there is little desire to recover so I don't. My internal jukebox is still playing the 12" disco remix of "Why Bother" and months pass. If I'd written this a week ago this would be where I still stood (or rather laid).

Last few days though there's been a distinct adjustment. Partly this was due to the joy I had at a surprise trip to see the Warcraft movie. A logistical masterpiece pulled off by my amazing wife in total secrecy. Her joy at my joy knocked the foolish thoughts of burden out of my head. The happiness at my happiness shown by my kids also gave it a solid kicking. Then those amazing pixels iced the cake.

The reaction of those I told this news to online was like a flood of light. A torrent of genuine joy and happiness for me. A spot of ventrillo with some true diamonds downunder added another layer of gold. The realisation hit hard that I love these people and that behind the pixels are folks I want to be engaged with for as much time as I can. Looking down would stop that from happening. So now I'm looking up.

Take Care.

Anyone Out There?

Just wondering if anyone is still watching this blog.

Going through one of those phases where I want to connect and looking forward the best place to do so. This would certainly be perfect for WoW musings.

The other thought is to clean slate and create a new home for all my waffle. The sad reality is of course I may just slip back in my shell.

Excessive?

Well I bought this to sell on another server to get around the pitiful amount even a 90 can transfer. The I saw one in the wild and had to learn it. Damn fine decision I think!

Who's a little punt runt now you DBag!

Three Bad Ass Wolves

So Ashayo got a bee in his bonnet about me levelling my Gnome Warlock past level 20 and shamed me in creating new ones.

Somewhat foolishly I decided to go with Worgens. Talk about your big old bags of levelling suck!

Need less to say I had a hideous time which I shall expand upon in WoWGeekly episode 7.

Now I need to go and edit episode 6.  Though I better have a lay down first. Should never edit angry!

Hey stupid - next time I say huff you huff not puff! Noob!!

Triple Locks - What!

Long time no blog. Sorry I am slack what else can I say!

Kicking off a mini project with a fine group of Aussies and figured I would do some multi boxing.

I've created 5 warlocks but 2 of them are still irradiated back in Gnomeregan.

Anyhoo say hi to the ladies. Cute but deadly!

RAF 2013 - Day 6/90 - Late Night Leveling.

I have entitled these 3/90, 6/90 etc but to be perfectly honest it is often hard to work out what day is which. At least it is hard to work out when one day starts and the other begins.

Being a man of extreme leisure I have few set daily milestones. I eat when hungry sleep when tired and use the facilities when nature forces me. Basically I am a very large cat! Apart from medical appointments and the occasional recording there are very few alarm clocks in my life. All of this is further mixed up because I live in GMT and my online world lives in EST (-5 hours). So you can see my confusion :)

I am sure some, if not all of you, are reading the above and forming the words 'lucky bastard' or similar in your minds. Quite rightly so! If it weren't for the constant pain and a body which seems determined to have me hovering between grapes and flowers permanently it would indeed be bliss.

All that preamble was meant to explain why my leveling sessions are becoming more nocturnal. I should also say that the days of me being able to play straight for 12+ hours are long gone. I am now playing in 2-3 hour bursts and sleeping for 8 which also adds to my temporal confusion.

Anyhow I am sure you didn't come here to read all the above bollocks but to find out where the ladies are at.

Last session took place while the good folks of CoD (Clan of Darkness Guild) were planning and executing their famed friday night run. I had the distinct pleasure of once again being able to hop on the mumble server and hear some of the excitement.

The bulk of leveling took place in Burning Steppes which although not perfect desert is pretty close.

"10,000 bloodthirsty enemy and all we have are party masks!? Yeah this should go well!"

No real details to report as it was pretty much a blur of dieing ogres, orcs and trolls (with a few golems and dwarves thrown in).

At 4am I threw in the towel and the ladies went to their digital beds having hit 56.

5 hours later I am back writing this and trying to wake my brain up for the Ctrl Alt WoW record in 2 hours. Should be fun.

Bye for now.

RAF 2013 - Day 5/90 - Slowly, Slowly Catchy 50.

A bit of a slower day today but still on a roll.

Once again fought the urge to boost the ladies and spent the session with some more fun questing.

Plenty left to do in Dustwallow. It really is a pretty good zone for levelling. Lots of nice quick quests (higher drop rates across the board helps) and plenty to kill along the way.

I did get a bit close to some Alliance camps which ended in quick painful deaths and 5 minutes of flagged fear. Apart from that, though, it was all plain sailing.

"I've had a few drinks and I'm carrying a dagger so go ahead and call be babe again!"

Left a bit of XP on the table as many quests started graying out (next team to this area will go out there sooner). Next up was Tanaris.

Have to say I have a deep joy for deserts (and indeed desserts). The far vistas and lack of trees and obstacles to get my team tangled on is a real boon.

After butchering most of the indigenous life, killing several bubble farting giants and uncovering some suspicious activity the girls hit 50.

This guy just let off a WMD gas bubble - Ughh!

Not sure I will hit 60 before the CAW record but there is no rush right!?

Another joy of this sessions levelling was getting to talk to some of the excellent CAWlings and CODlings on the new mumble server. Didn't do a lot of talking as I was in the 'zone' but it was nice to have them there. Look forward to doing that more.

Bye for now :)