Thursday 16 June 2016

The Power of Pixels.

The last few months have been hell for me. Struck down by a debilitating event that left me helpless physically and drained mentally. Totally shattered.

This wasn't the first time my body slapped me hard like this. A series of heart attacks, major nerve damage and my original stroke had already taken their toll. Each time I was knocked down, though, I instantly fought to get back up. This time I just stayed down. After awhile something just snaps. What's the point becomes your mantra. Rather than struggling upwards you begin to crave further depths and even thoughts of nonexistence nag at you.

This is very hard to admit. Pangs of guilt and selfishness at loved ones bereaved keep such thoughts as just that merely thoughts. During hot tear moments, however, internal shouts of coward and burden can almost turn such thoughts into action. Almost. Fortunately I have external shields.

My wife and children are amazing. Stepping up, going without, and being the strength I lack on so many occasions. Literally keeping me alive. Unconditional love made flesh. It therefore makes me feel pretty shitty to say that this can be a double edged sword. Remember the shouts of burden above? They get so much louder as you see loved ones sacrifice so much. A whole mess of emotions kick in which even now remain tangled. So I kept looking down. Ashamed but still ever down. Up stepped the pixels.

For various reasons I have no "real life" friends close by. I use the quotes because part of me finds that term and it's connotations that an opposite and perhaps lesser type of friend exists offensive. The people I grew up with, met on my travels and worked with are now seen through the lens of my computer screen. Along with them are a large group I haven't (in the main) physically met. The majority of these have entered my life because of a shared love for the MMO World of Warcraft. (For those of you accidently here you now know why this blog is called Ten Gnomes and not Fat Bloke Whining). These pixels helped save my life.

Early on following my collapse it became clear that in amongst all the medical mess financial mess stalked. Despite the wonders of our health service effective recovery was going to cost more than we could afford. I asked for help and it came. In cash donations and the spreading of my need it came. The financial goal was quickly reached a true crisis was averted. I still looked down.

I suspect that some of you reading this are toying with the words "selfish prick" right about now. All these people step up show me love and concern and I can't make the effort to get of the mat? Couldn't agree more. The real sense of elation was once again tainted by feelings of failure and being a burden.

In countless online interactions I was told how silly such thoughts were. The love shown came with no cost. To think otherwise was just silly. Despite a small part of me knowing this to be true...down.

So recovery begins but there is little desire to recover so I don't. My internal jukebox is still playing the 12" disco remix of "Why Bother" and months pass. If I'd written this a week ago this would be where I still stood (or rather laid).

Last few days though there's been a distinct adjustment. Partly this was due to the joy I had at a surprise trip to see the Warcraft movie. A logistical masterpiece pulled off by my amazing wife in total secrecy. Her joy at my joy knocked the foolish thoughts of burden out of my head. The happiness at my happiness shown by my kids also gave it a solid kicking. Then those amazing pixels iced the cake.

The reaction of those I told this news to online was like a flood of light. A torrent of genuine joy and happiness for me. A spot of ventrillo with some true diamonds downunder added another layer of gold. The realisation hit hard that I love these people and that behind the pixels are folks I want to be engaged with for as much time as I can. Looking down would stop that from happening. So now I'm looking up.

Take Care.

10 comments:

  1. I am so happy that you are looking up and that you have such an amazing support system! I applaud you and your family and your support!

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    1. As a constant ray of sunshine I applaud you for being part of it. Thank you.

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  2. Sir Jeppy. Once again i am floored at your honesty & ability to tell it like it is. This is who i am. So let me start off by staying thankyou. Even though you are on the other side of the world, when we chat it's like we're best mates. I too value these types of friends that really do care about me the individual and not my accomplishments.
    Chin up Geeze we have got your back.
    Your mates from downunder.

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  3. Sir Jeppy. Once again i am floored at your honesty & ability to tell it like it is. This is who i am. So let me start off by staying thankyou. Even though you are on the other side of the world, when we chat it's like we're best mates. I too value these types of friends that really do care about me the individual and not my accomplishments.
    Chin up Geeze we have got your back.
    Your mates from downunder.

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    Replies
    1. You and your fellow Aussie diamonds have been the backbone in this body of support. I always come away from our chats refreshed and revitalised. Of course if you were a bit less cagey regarding where the gold is then things would be even better! Take care my friend.

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  4. I don't know you well, just a follower from Twitter who comments occasionally but this made me tear up big time. As a cancer survivor surprised by my online WoW friends when I was diagnosed, I know the surprise and gratitude you feel when 'strangers' lift you up and offer support. I wasn't incapacitated in the way you have been but I know the looking down feeling too and the feelings of being a burden. I'm sure you know that it's the black dog of depression talking but when he's talking, it's so hard to ignore him. I can't imagine the pain & frustration you've been through and for so long too. I'm so happy for you that you found something to trigger that change to looking up. And yes, I loved the movie too, critics be damned! {{{hugs}}}

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    1. Thank you so much. I've been following you for the longest time and have been knocked out by your constant strength. sending hugs right back at you :)

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  5. My thoughts are with you, stay strong buddy.

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  6. I am typing this through my tears. "Selfish prick" never entered my consciousness when thinking of you. You have been through more than your fair share and you get to grieve and dwell and get your head straight in your own time. I live with someone with almost debilitating depression and anxiety. I understand as well as I can what he goes through in feeling like a burden and I assure him that he is not. Just like you are not. I am grateful beyond measure that you have climbed out of the deep dark well and are able to look up. My world is brighter and better for having you in it and every single time I interact with you and you interact with me I give a little *squee* of delight. You have always favorited my tweets and retweeted things I was doing and have been so very supportive and amazing. You are truly a bright spot in this world, even if you don't see the light yourself. I have been thinking of you so very much and sending you all the healing vibes I have and now I am adding comfort to that list. Take care of yourself Jeppy. You are amazing and I am blessed for knowing you. /hugs to you and your lovely, wonderful family!
    Allecia/Allecia13 (Lisa)

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  7. Jeppy, You are as far away from "selfish prick" as ANYONE can be in this world, imo !!
    And i know of many that would support my statement.
    The fact that you have found a straw to pull yourself up with is awesome, and that's all it really takes, one little straw to start the process of getting up again. Granted, there might/will be setbacks, but that's life we talk about here, it's a ride of ups and downs all the time, it's about finding the straws that are out there to pull yourself up with.
    I know it's easier said then done, but trust me, i've been there myself, so trust me.
    I hope you get better soon and that there will be fewer setbacks as time goes on.
    All the best wishes to you and your family, my friend.

    Grand Nagus

    P.S.: i found this one for you and you know what to make of it, well the last part is the Ferengi touch, you can't get that out of me ! Rule of Aquisition #23: "Nothing is more important than your health...except for your money."

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